I Don’t Deserve This.

Podcast available on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or your favourite streaming platform!

Many of us believe that following God serves as an insurance policy against negative circumstances. That our faith means God will insulate us from the woes of this world. So we become disillusioned when we face adversity or go through trials. It’s critical we remind ourselves of not only what Jesus said—like, “in this world you WILL have trouble…” (John 16:33), but also what the Bible actually shows us about what followers of God may actually experience. Whether it’s God’s chosen people being dragged into exile, or the disciples of Jesus each being martyred for their faith, these experiences contradict the notion that following God means you’ll have a good life. In Hebrews 11, the author lists the various ways that faithful God followers were killed for their faith —homeless, attacked, imprisoned, tortured, murdered—these are not the anecdotes I would use in my sales pitch or recruitment ad.

Authors Bruce Bickel and Stan Jantz explain that the treatment of martyrs throughout our faith history runs contrary to our notion that God shelters those he loves and we do ourselves no favors by seeing God in such a one-dimensional way. We take verses out of context and apply them broadly to every tiny crevice of our existence. Verses like, “your Father in heaven gives good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11) are true. But sometimes the good gifts come through suffering. To say that because God is a God of love and peace and therefore would never allow harm to befall us is not only foolish, it’s harmful.

Difficulties are a necessary component for building the foundation of our faith. For many, a life of ease results in a life without God. God designed us to be dependent on him and will sometimes use our troubles to draw us to himself. When we look at our struggles, weigh ourselves against them, and decide that something doesn’t quite add up, we tend to feel indignant stating, “I don’t deserve this!”. But where did we ever get such a notion? We’ve already mentioned the faithful martyrs in Scripture but perhaps dismiss these stories because in the end, who knows what they really did to deserve such a fate. But what about Jesus? If anyone can claim they did not deserve what was served to them, it’s he. Jesus was the perfect man who lived a perfect life. He always said the right thing, did the right thing, reacted in the right way, thought the right thoughts, and felt the right emotions. There was nothing to the core of him that deserved the violent death he was subject to. He did nothing to deserve it.

And yet what God accomplished through his suffering is immeasurable. What God can do in all our suffering is valuable, too. 

It’s out of my control

We know this truth: we cannot control what comes our way. But we can control how we react to it—and this makes all the difference. Suffering will either grow our faith, or kill it. It will either grow godly character in us, or make us hard and bitter. It will either grant us a greater awareness of God’s presence and power, or it will diminish any notion of a good God at all. We must take care to acknowledge God in our suffering or we’ll fail to see what enabled us to get through it in the first place!

I want to be ok…

Before my eldest son was born, I miscarried another child. There was no history of miscarriage in my family and I had always been healthy, so this came as a shock. My husband was a youth pastor at the time, I volunteered on youth nights, and led a Bible study for teen girls. So yes, on paper, I believed that I didn’t deserve this. I remember at the time, an older woman at my church—who I am realizing now was, in fact, my current age of 39—told me, I’m sure you’ll get pregnant again and everything will be ok. This didn’t sit well for me. Even as a young girl in her 20s, I knew that ideal circumstances, like a healthy pregnancy, should not be the source of my wellbeing. I wanted to be ok whether I got pregnant again or not. Whether I carried a pregnancy to term or not, whether I had a baby or not, whether I became a mother or not. Could I be ok in the Lord, even if I got what I didn’t think I deserved? Even if I get what I don’t think I deserve.

Well, through much time in tears and prayer and more tears, by God’s grace I got there.  I could say, “whatever my lot, it is well with my soul.” Could I truly experience the fullness of joy God brings not just despite, but through suffering? Jesus shows us that, yes, it is possible. Jesus saved us not in spite of but because of what he endured on the cross. Romans 8:32 says, 

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”

If we truly believe that God loves to give good gifts to his children, truly believing that if he didn’t even spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, then surely there is good to be found even in our hardships. Surely we can be ok even if the experiences of our lives bring suffering.

May we look at pain, not as detrimental, but as beneficial. Not as detrimental to our success and happiness, but as useful in producing the kind of character that can only come from adversity. Rather than shaking our fists at heaven and saying, “I don’t deserve this!” May we recognize the benefits that have come from overcoming adversity with God’s help. Has your pain made you more compassionate, kind, humble, grateful, or generous? Can you recognize these qualities in yourself through suffering? If not, perhaps a change of tone would help. Rather than hardening your heart and shouting, “I don’t deserve this…” Try softening your heart, look for the good that has come into your life, and say instead with gratitude in your heart, “God, thank you for your gifts. I don’t deserve this.”

Because the truth is this: we often ask the question, “why do bad things happen to good people?” I love how C.S. Lewis takes this and turns it on its head with this thought, 

“The problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.”

Follow the curious thread of why we experience grace and mercy despite how little we deserve it. Thank God that though Jesus was so undeserving, he willingly endured suffering on our behalf and for our benefit. We don’t deserve it, we can’t earn it, and yet God’s presence and peace are available to us unmerited through suffering.  

What’s in the Ears

This is the part where I share a song or podcast I’m currently into. The podcast I’m sharing today is called Confronting Christianity with Rebecca McLaughlin and a two-part series of episodes titled, Where Does The Bible Come From? with Dr. Peter Gurry and Dr. John Meade (Part 1 and Part 2). Let me know if you check them out!  

If this stirred something in you, share this post with a friend or drop a comment below. I’d love to hear what small step you’re taking towards the flourishing life today! And don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.

Podcast available on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or your favourite streaming platform!