Triggered

This post was originally published in February 2022.

Podcast version available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Anchor!

I hadn’t planned to share this. I actually have several posts written, edited, and ready to go that’ll bring us all the way to Easter!

But… life is life.

It’s unpredictable and messy, and I figured, honesty really is the best policy.

A month after Covid-19 forced us into lockdown, I wrote a blog post about how things were going for our family. You can read it HERE. To this day, it’s one of my most popular posts and I can guess why. Looking back, it feels surreal. Life already felt hard and drastically different, but I was PUMPED. I took it all in stride and our family did pretty well despite life shutting down around us.

Fast forward a couple of years and I’m realizing it’s taken a toll. I find myself triggered by lots of things that seem to fall into either one of two categories.

Exhibit A: Trigger

Trigger 1: Internal

• Preparing daily meals

• Managing the home

• Overstimulation of my children’s play, fights, noise, and overall needs

• Being far from family and doing it all myself

  
  

Trigger 2: External

• Increased divisiveness and tribalism

• Polarizing politics

• Winter

• Covid, all things Covid

Exhibit B: Winter Trigger

I guess it finally hit me. I reached a breaking point. The best way I can think to describe it is triggered. Everything is a trigger. My body keeps reacting physically to what it’s processing mentally.

I’ll look out the window, notice snow on my driveway, and start to hyperventilate. I’ll read a Facebook status about mandates, skim the comments, and burst out crying. My kids will ask me a question about weekend plans and I feel my chest heavy and tightening and I can’t catch a breath.

The truth is, I’m grieved. The external triggers I mentioned fill me with sadness. Mostly because of how broken our world has become. Like when loved ones are not speaking to each other because of differing worldviews. Or when people choose to no longer engage with church in person because the mandates go against their personal convictions. All of it overwhelms me with grief.

Important Disclaimer:

I don’t agree with everything the government has mandated, but I am aware enough to know that the position I’ve come to and the conclusions I’ve drawn are not shared by everyone. I understand that we all see things differently and feel things differently and we’re all triggered by different things too.

I wish we could all still find a way to come together anyway. It’s the fractured relationships that overwhelm me with grief.

Like that line that says: a mother can only be as happy as her saddest child.

Oh hey! Just me hangin’ on by a thread! 😉

Sometimes, I feel that way. I miss what we had, and know in many ways it’ll never be the same. And it’s not that I want to go back, because I am convinced that many changes have been for the good. This trying time has revealed a lot. But the numbers don’t lie. Mental health issues are at an all-time high and people are struggling to keep it together.

I just wish people were more gracious. More compassionate and understanding.

I’ve had to ask myself, how could I possibly be right about everything? If we were honest with ourselves, and willing to recognize that we couldn’t possibly be right all the time, or that our preferred political party couldn’t possibly be getting it right every time, then maybe, just maybe, we could actually find a middle ground.

I digress… the fact is that trying to carry on like all is normal within such abnormal context is unsustainable.

I think it could be done for a short period of time, maybe a few weeks, or even a month, but two years? Impossible. We’re really starting to see the cracks.

So what’s the solution?

It feels embarrassing and terrifying to admit, but maybe it’ll help someone who’s going through this too.

To be honest, I have found it hard to pray. Tears come too easily these days, and I just don’t have the mental energy for it. I fear that if I give in to the tears, I’ll never stop and just drown in them. So, it’s been a lot of stuffing down and being strong and brave and positive and hopeful.

Before you @ me, I know… I know this isn’t healthy, and I promise I’m working through it.

But the Scriptures help! And here’s why:

• The God I meet in the Bible is unchanging

  While I change, God doesn’t.

  While my husband changes, God doesn’t.

  While my kids change, God doesn’t.

  While the governing powers change, God doesn’t.

  While mandates change, God doesn’t.

  While people change, God doesn’t.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

– James 1:17

Let me ask it this way:

• Don’t we all want something solid to stand on in these times?

• Something that can hold the weight of us?

• Something that won’t give way under us and cause us to stumble?

• Something that won’t crumble under the weight of our mental burdens?

  
  

God is that. God can do that. God doesn’t change. God can handle our messy.

So I do a lot of that – reading the Scriptures. The Psalms are comforting. The Proverbs are instructive. Lamentations is relatable, and Jesus is the best, especially in John’s Gospel.

Basically, the Scriptures are full of moment after moment of God waiting for His people and drawing them back to Himself. In the gospel of Luke, Jesus is mourning over Jerusalem not long before His arrest, and says this:

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.

– Luke 13:34

There have been many moments over the last two years when I’ve sensed God saying the same thing to His people. How He longs to be near us in hard times but we don’t go to Him. We numb with social media, we gravitate to the same echo chamber of voices that repeat the same narrative we ascribe to, and we push out the voices that trigger us. And sometimes that voice may be God’s.

We feel too angry to go to Him. Too hurt to be held by His tender embrace. Too wounded to go to Him for healing. Too scared to be honest about what we really feel.

It’s stupid, is what it is. But it’s human too. And people have been rejecting God’s healing touch long before the day Jesus mourned over Jerusalem.

Remember Adam and Eve? Do you remember the first thing they did after the disobeyed God and ate the forbidden fruit?

They hid. They tried to hide from an omniscient God. As if He didn’t know where they were. As if He didn’t already know what they did. And we do this too.

Obviously, you’re not coming here to find out how it all ends. And though I wish I had some answers, I’m just here being honest. Looking for friendship, community, solidarity, and love. And if you are too, I hope you find it here! But mostly, I hope you find what you’re looking for in Jesus. Because I can say with confidence that even in these heavy, dark, triggering days…

He is my refuge and strength, a constant help in troubling times–

Psalm 46:1 (my edits)

What’s in the Ears

I have found “traditional” worship music difficult to listen to in the past month or two. My heart can’t seem to take it. So I’ve gravitated to more serene tunes and the lyrics of this song have basically been my anthem. I hope you enjoy it!

Friend, tell me about your heart in this season? Does any of this resonate? Let me know in the comments, send me a DM, and share with a friend too!

Podcast version available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Anchor!